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Monday, February 04, 2008

Really Struggling Today

I dreamed of bizarre, ugly board meetings all night last night; I'd wake, go get a drink, go back to bed and jump right back into the dream.

Can't seem to stop the scary thoughts--the girls looked so sweet when I dropped them off at school this morning, walking up the little hill/walkway together, backpacks over their shoulders--and I thought of that, smiled, and then thought, panicked, "What if something happens at school today? What if I don't see them again?" and extrapolated that thought for four or five steps, imagining scenarios. I stopped myself, but my mind keeps circling around it like a horse who wants to head back to the barn--pulling around again and again to thoughts of tragedy and loss.

Not a good day, so far.

Going to try to paint.


Maddy said...

Ooo I thought I'd lost your link for the moment there!

Those kinds of circular thoughts are a real pain. I'm not sure if it's just mothers but I suspect there are many more people who also get locked into that particular spiral, almost a panic attack.

Painting would seem like an excellent therapeutic remedy.
Best wishes

Sue said...

What a horrible feeling.

Is it worth it? The board and all? If so then fight the good fight and sleep deeply.

Lynn said...

I know about these feelings of dread, doom and gloom. I inevitably have them the night before I am going to go babysit my grandkids. What if something happens to their parents while they are out? What if something happens to me? What if something happens to one of the kids or both?
Oy, the details I'll spare you but the imagination goes wild. I have to stop myself, and make myself think three positive thoughts to break the thinking cycle.

Sweet dreams I wish you.

Anonymous said...

Oh, it's so not fun when obsessive thoughts hijack your head. Ugh! Have you ever tried Cognitive Behavioural Therapy? There are some good library books on it, too. It helps with this kind of obsessing over bad things about to happen.