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Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Some Thoughts, If I Had Any

This may be one of those TMI posts, so if you're not interested or sympathetic, perhaps you ought to go somewhere happier. It seems to me that the last couple of months have been unusually turbulent around here, in every way imaginable. And I think I'm finally starting to crack.

On Saturday I scared everyone in my family with my anger, which included pointing out to the eleven-year old girl that "if you're hurt enough to lie in the middle of the basketball court crying and then come out of the game, then you're too hurt to play anymore--okay, you're hurt. You're crying. Dammit, get up and keep going." And though I've mellowed a bit since Saturday I can tell I'm not functioning at the same level of sanity that I was three months ago.

The question is really WHY? I need reasons. Is it the beginning of menopause (I'm 43) messing with the perfect balance of Zoloft in my system? Or is it just the worries about money and the challenge of having a thirteen-year old boy in the house? Am I finally cracking under the strain of being on the school board? Are my concerns about inept teachers just too much for me? Enquiring minds WANT TO KNOW.

Science Fair at the Memorial Building tonight, and Katie's project is in it. She did a great job on her experiment and I can't wait to see it. Board Meeting tomorrow night, but fairly routine agenda. One of my dear friend's mother just had a stroke, but she seems to be doing well. My kids are healthy and funny and loving and smart, my husband's terrific--but wow, am I ever wound up.

I know, I need to make some art, but I'm having trouble starting. I'm putting it off by doing anything else I can think of--yesterday I cleaned all the bookcases, for crying out loud! When I clean the house, you know I'm desperate.

Sooooo--here's a piece I just finished. I made my own handcut stamps from foam for the buildings. I was going to add some wispy words, but I think it's done. I'm going to go start cutting and pasting--I can prep canvasses and maybe that will get me going. Fingers crossed for luck...


Housewife said...

Maybe you can collage your way back to calm.

I run for my sanity, so far I've been able to outrun the demons but my readers might beg to differ.


Kelly said...

Karen, it certainly could be perimenopause. I am 43 and have been experiencing fluctuations in my hormones since about age 40. I read a good book called What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Premenopause. It was lifesaving.

But also I couldn't be surviving midlife without my analyst and my naturopath.

My thoughts are with you. It's not nothing. It's something. You just have to figure out what.


Anonymous said...

Hang in there, Karen. You're in a funk right now, but you know you'll pull out of it eventually.

You're a very strong person - look how far you've come as an artist! Could you even have imagined it ten years ago? Five? And it's all due to your determination to find your talent and conquer the techniques to share it with all of us. Wonderful!

The good thing is you know something's off and you want to feel better. Don't be afraid to ask for help - it doesn't make you less to go outside yourself to solve this problem.

btw, you are ready to hang your works on a wall and invite people to view them. I've seen some amazing work posted here on your blog. Open it up to other venues - find those art shows!

Feel better.
1/2 2KJ

tammy vitale said...

I love that you made the stamps for this - and I love the way it came out, all mystical.

Let's see - permenopause. Looking back, I would say it definitely threw me for a loop emotionally - and neither I nor Husband recognized it - tho he did keep saying I had to "just go crazy" once a month. We didn't see it. I had a hysterectomy at 35 so monthly reminders were also absent.

And I had a 13 year old boy at about that time (daughter was 18 and we went through our "time" the year she was 17. Lucky I wasn't doing both of them at the same time!).

I wrote a lot. I journalled like a mad woman (maybe I was mostly a mad woman). Was just getting into know maybe that's why I love clay so much. I could put my hands in the clay and my head would just shut up (blessed silence). Since then, no matter what the question, art is the answer.

Hang in there. think of all of us in the blogging Universe as hands around you holding you up - it's a great visual. Then don't forget to breathe.


Karoda said...

It would shock me if there was a woman over 40 who couldn't identify with what you've described...but it doesn't have to be one single thing but a compilation of events that compound stress...Maya Angelou calls it being pecked to death by ducks. Hangeth in there!

Susan Reynolds said...

Amazing. Although it was some weeks ago, you put into words many of my thoughts, right at a time when I was feeling the same kinds of thing. The difference was that I was totally unable to verbalize any of it. I hope that the dark clouds are lifting a bit for you.