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Wednesday, September 21, 2005

The way home was a winding way: past rows of identical house, through an always-open gate onto the high school grounds, around the graveled track and practice fields, and through another gate set deep into a hedge. Then the best part: through the old orchard, where in spring flowers of palest ghostly pink turned their eyes toward weak sunlight as a creeping green covered the heavy, gnarled branches; where in summer a heavy emerald curtain separated sky from ground, hiding small green orbs from all but knowledgeable eyes; where in fall the fruit glowed russet and red and palest green, where leaves turned sun-yellow before lazily drifting to the windfall-covered grass, knee-high all around; where in winter the black-barked fingers caught handfuls of snowflakes: Anne’s favorite place in all the world.

Often she lingered there, leaning her blue bike against the hedge and climbing into the welcoming arms of an apple tree. But not today--today she pedaled more quickly, skirting the unused orchard and rushing over the bumpy ground until she reached the blacktopped path that led to her house.

The red door stood ajar just as she’d known it would. Angry noise came from within. She’d been here many times before. It was a dream, a nightmare, a place she’d visited more times than she wanted to remember, and now it was real. She stopped, hesitating. The house simply pulsated with anger. In the dream, she’d never walked through the open door. She dropped her bike on the weedy gravel that edged the driveway and walked soberly up crumbling concrete steps to stand on the threshold. Here was where the dream always ended. Her entire life had led to this one moment.

Anne stepped inside, into the unknown. The dream was over.


So much

So much I have forgotten:
The delight of dew on my skin
And mud between my toes;
The sweet dusty smell
Of a beloved old pony;
The slow, irregular rhythm of rain dripping
From a leafy ceiling;
The sharp spicy-sweet smell
Of autumn leaves under my feet;
The clear cold gasping chill
Of lake water;
The muscle and sinew and bone
Of me;
The stretch and grasp and lean and shiver
Of being alive:
Today
Here
Now


Tuesday, September 20, 2005

My art

Hmmm. My art...

I am a mixed media artist, mainly collage with acrylics on canvas, watercolor paper, or fabric. I've been using fabric and stitching a lot in my work lately, as well as archival copies of antique photos and pages torn from books or newspapers. I incorporate words into almost all my pieces; I write everyday, in an art journal, a regular scribbly journal (morning pages a la Julia Cameron), and on the computer (that will either be a novel or a collection of short stories, not sure yet which).

The best part about creating? The sensation that "I" am nothing except a part of something far greater and more powerful--the complete lack of what Madeleine L'Engle calls "hubris." I am simply a conduit, when I can get out of the way... It's the same thing, I think, that small children do so effortlessly while they play--they are completely outside of themselves. I feel as though I lost that ability for a time as an adult, and now I've found it again.

What is it about music? Just as much as a long forgotten scent caught on a whiff of wind, music instantly transports me. Long ago heartaches, moments of love and despair, the ecstasy of youth—music forces me to feel it all over again. And, though it’s mostly painful, somehow it feels good to revisit all those old times. Will I look back at my thirties and forties through the window of music someday far in the future? Probably. Will the sound of folk songs make me miss the warmth of cuddly pudgy babies, or the elastic exuberance of a toddler, or the bony hugs of a preteen? Probably. Maybe the past always brings that twinge of pain with it

So how do I savor the very moment—can I make myself feel that poignancy while I am in the midst of life itself? Do I need to face death itself before I can feel the reality of time passing, of death approaching? I’m afraid to go to the doctor. I put it off, day after day, feeling lumps in my breasts and knowing that I can’t face someone telling me my future is short. At the same time, I know that not going to the doctor doesn’t somehow lengthen the future, doesn’t keep me alive.

And while my life has been rich, I don’t want to go back, even if I could. I love where I am right now, feel as though I am on the cusp of something important, something magnificent, something that I was put here to do. I know that I need to forge ahead, set goals and speak aloud my dreams if I want to succeed.

When I speak of success, I don’t mean commercial or financial. I mean the kind of success that comes from getting out of my own way and letting the creative into my life.

A beginning

Sitting down to write this morning, I realized that I needed to have a real reason to write every single day--an audience, if you will. My youngest just started kindergarten, and so, finally, for the first time in thirteen years, I have time to myself! I want to work on my visual art projects and write for an hour every day, along with (hopefully) figuring out the art of housekeeping (tho that's at the bottom of the list). I've thought about doing a blog now for a couple of years, but have always put it off; afraid, I guess, of putting myself out there for others to see. Today I decided to face at least one fear. I still haven't made an appointment for a mammogram, but I have started a blog.